Being in my twenties has certainly been rife with character development and growth. I don’t think a 20 year old me would recognise a 25 year old me. Which is kind of ideal, as I like to believe I have grown as an individual. Life throws a lot at us on both a macro and a micro level. In my lifetime there have been recessions, a pandemic, Brexit, wars, and various other country/worldwide events that have shaped my surroundings and opportunities. Not to mention, all the personal issues and dramas in my own immediate life such as relationships, friendships, obtaining both my undergraduate degree, and my master’s. So with all this that has gone on around me, I have definitely learned a lot about myself and by extension other people. So with all this in mind, if I had 10 minutes with a 20 year old me and I couldn’t give any clear spoilers, I would pass on five of the most important lessons I have learned so far…though 20 year old me wouldn’t listen anyway. He has to learn lessons the hard way #storyofmylife.
Lesson #1 – Health is Wealth
Now this is a bit obvious, remaining as healthy as possible is its own currency. To clarify, I am speaking from the perspective as someone who is able bodied, and without any chronic illness or pain. One thing I have started taking more seriously is becoming active. I have always been on the larger side of life and with that I have never tried being that active. Especially during secondary school PE (as I often faked an illness). However, once at university I started going to the gym and this is something that has been going on ever since. So when the pandemic hit and I could no longer go to the gym I went (a little) insane. I never realised how much I loved going to the gym. It centred me. No matter what was happening outside the gym, the only thing that mattered was how heavy I could lift. It gave me a measurable goal that kept me going. This last year in particular I have started paying more attention to my cardio. I learned that I loved to run as that post run high was insane. Finally, I got why people ran. I thought those people were insane, because who the hell chooses to run without being chased? Well now I do too, much to my body’s dismay. Physical activity has immensely aided my mental health and focus.
As important as physical health can be, mental health is often as important, if not more important. University for most, is an intense time for mental health, and I am no exception to this. University brought my mental health down to its knees, especially in my third year. Obviously, instead of addressing my clearly diminishing mental health I simply drank and went out clubbing more. I survived…barely. My closest friends kept nagging me to go to therapy, and it wasn’t until I felt like I was a danger to my own physical health, I finally decided to take the plunge. I ignored going to therapy out of fear. There is unfair stigma around those who go to therapy, to those who need it, often perpetuated by those who need it most. Therapy gave me the opportunity to figure out why I was so sad and angry. It kickstarted the process of me learning about who I am, who I wanted to be, and what was in my way. By better understanding myself, I in turn got a lot better at understanding those around me. I better understood my needs, what I need from myself, my friends, my relationships. Going to therapy was a significant point in my personal development, it was the best decision I’ve made for my own health, and my only regret is that I didn’t go sooner. Would have saved a lot of people from dealing with my mess and me on my worst days.
So my dear reader, as daunting as getting physically active is, it does not have to be a huge step at a time. Small steps can make all the difference, literally! Just getting in more steps daily is a good way to start. Taking the stairs instead of a lift is another alternative. You do not need to be in the gym throwing heavy circles around to be a little more active, yoga is a great option for those who do not want to set foot in a gym. Mental health is also incredibly important to acknowledge. I say this with all sincerity, everyone, and I mean everyone could benefit from therapy. Therapy allows for realisations such as accountability, self-awareness, reflection, empathy, and more. I think we could all say that there is not enough of that in people, especially the self-awareness part.
Lesson #2 – Let people know you care (and by extension, how you feel)
To put it simply and bluntly, life is short. That is all there is to it. We are born and then one day, we die. Some of us eventually know when it is coming, but for most of us, we have no idea. Death and taxes are two eventualities in life. So with all this being said, let people know you care.
I definitely grew up a very emotionally stunted individual. Emotions were not something openly discussed at home, so I grew up not understanding why I felt the way I did nor did I have the emotional intelligence to actively communicate such emotions. So being emotionally vulnerable is something that I am working towards. So, one thing I have started doing is telling people that I care. Rather than hinting at it or making the assumption that they should just know or figure it out for themselves. I have started outwardly saying it. That their presence matters in my life or that I love them. That when they make me laugh or when they show up for me, that it makes a difference. That I miss them. I think we all get a little busy living life that we do not always communicate this to those around us. Being an adult means being busy. It means not seeing friends nearly as often as we would actually like. It is not like school where we see our friends regularly so words didn’t matter as much because choosing to hang out often was confirmation that you cared. I also think people underestimate how much the right words can matter. I have had awful days and all it took to cheer me up even briefly was a text from a friend saying “I hope you are doing well, thinking of you” or a simple “how are you?”.
On the other end of this spectrum, letting people know you care includes letting them know you’ve been hurt by them. I have realised that my deepest, most sacred relationships are with
people that I can admit to that they’ve hurt me. I have fallen out with my closest friends at least once. On the flip side, with my most shallow relationships, I do not always air my frustrations or grievances because when I do the mental maths of comfort versus honesty, I choose comfort. I can live with not saying how I really feel, because I can let it go because that relationship is not as close. Conflict, whilst uncomfortable, doesn’t have to be unproductive. I am an individual in which if I cannot let something go it festers, and often into something ugly that lashes out. If I want a relationship to last, if I want it to matter, then I cannot let things fester in negativity. This is something I have had to learn the hard way in my most recent romantic relationship.
So my dear reader, it is easy to get caught up in the daily minutia of being an adult. The monotony of the 9-5, paying bills, staying/getting active, practising hobbies. It is easy to let things slide. The people in our lives at the very least deserve to know that they matter. The most annoying thing about being an adult (other than how expensive things are), is the lack of time for it all. However, we should always make time for honesty. Let people know they matter, and if they matter, let them know how you feel, both the positive and negative emotions.
Lesson #3 – Never shrink yourself
I think as a whole society places a lot of expectations on people; how to dress, who to date, what to look like, what job to have, and so on. It is very difficult to shed these expectations and live how we want and do the things we want. This is most evident when at school as we try so desperately to fit in. We try to go with what is popular so we in turn become popular. This line of thinking is something that some people never shake. They never take the time to learn what they want or who they want to be, simply because they are so focused on being in line with what is popular. The parts of them that stand out are dullened for the sake of the comfort that comes with uniformity. Which is quite sad when you think about it. I myself have only learned who I want to be.
I felt like I had to water down certain parts of myself here and there in my life. I chased a legal career because it was what my parents wanted for me. I wanted the admiration and respect that the legal profession gets. I have played down certain interests of mine to fit in with people so I didn’t come across too nerdy. I have played down how romantic I like to be or how interested I am, because I didn’t want to scare off the people I dated. Which ultimately did me no favours in the long run. I didn’t feel passionate about chasing after a legal career. It felt like such a chore applying for training contracts, researching law firms, attending these law fairs when I simply didn’t care (and then on top of that dealing with setbacks). Toning down my interests also meant I wasn’t attracting people who shared my interests because I didn’t broadcast them. Toning down my romantic side meant that I ended up dating people who didn’t care for romance which made me uncomfortable because I just couldn’t express myself the way I wanted to express myself. It’s also weird how clear interest is seemingly punished these days?
Which leads to my point dear reader, as adults we should do everything in our power to chase our desires and figure out who we want to be. This should be before we wake up at 80 and realise that our lives were never our own and we come to resent everyone around us because of it. We should also embrace ourselves wholeheartedly instead of trying to squeeze into spaces we are too big for. Why be friends with people where you cannot freely express your personality and interests? Why date someone who tells you to quieten down or doesn’t care for what you need in the relationship? Don’t quieten down the loudest parts of yourself. Obviously, this should be taken with a pinch of salt and self-awareness. To be honest, any piece of advice should be treated in this way, some advice is more relevant to others. People do have things to work on, and there are parts of nearly everyone’s personality that do need work. Knowing what to keep and what to work on matters. There’s a difference between being vocal about your interest in someone to harassing them, same as there’s a difference between being passionate about a hobby but then only able to talk about that one hobby.
Lesson #4 – Anything worth doing is worth doing alone
One casualty of adulthood is that people don’t have the time for us the way we would like. Most people with conventional working hours are working 5 days a week. After work we still have to shop for groceries, stay healthy and fit, work on hobbies, and then potentially find the time to be with friends or family. Unlike school, this means that everyone is running on different schedules and timelines. Which is frustrating as all hell. You may wish to check out a new exhibit, a new movie, head to a new restaurant, or simply travel for a bit, but no one is ever free and if they are it isn’t for another few weeks in some cases. You want to learn a new skill by checking out new classes at the gym or local college, but people just don’t have the same amount of free time as you. Point being, we all have different priorities now as adults. It is rare that people are going to place you at the top spot of their priorities, and even rarer if they can do that consistently. This is becoming increasingly obvious now that I have reached my mid-twenties. Friends are getting into serious relationships, or are in different tax brackets, moving away for work, saving for a house, and more.
We also all develop different interests over time. My best friend and I used to have very similar interests and outlooks on life which is no longer the case. I have several interests that my friends around me don’t fully share. Even when someone comes into my life suddenly and they share all the same interests as me, there is never any guarantee how long they are going to be in my life, if they are even available that is. People in our lives may not always support our actions on top of that. People looked at me crazy when I said I have no desire to be a lawyer, I want to be a writer or work in the creative industry instead. They wanted me to stick to the safer option given my education. Hell, I don’t even know if my friends have read any of these blog posts so far.
So now my dear reader, this seems like a bunch of negatives, but really it is about perspective. Why wait for people to keep you company as you explore the world or check out a new restaurant? Do it alone. Do it before the opportunity passes and you no longer are in a position to live as you wished. Want to change careers? Why wait until you have the support of those around you when you can make the change alone? Point being, having the courage to do things alone is very rewarding. If it is worth doing, then it is worth doing alone.
Lesson #5 – Don’t let fear make the choice for you
This final lesson is still one that I personally am trying to master, and that is simply making choices despite fear. It is easy to get caught up in what scares us. Whether it is the fear of loneliness or abandonment or failure, we all fear something. Fear is a natural response to many things such as uncomfortable positions, unknown experiences, and of course when our bodies are warning us that something is dangerous. Fear is not always rational either. People are terrified of things like spiders or clowns when in reality, both are largely harmless. Granted there are venomous spiders, and there was that one year where clowns kept attacking people for some reason but…besides that, it is not logical to fear these in every situation. Now when we feel fear, we are often given options on how to proceed but I have come to realise a regret of mine is letting fear decide what option I choose.
I have made the decision to actively avoid things that would be beneficial for me out of fear. Whether it was first starting gym, afraid of what people would think or not applying for a job because I’m afraid of getting rejected. I’ve lost track of the amount of times I haven’t let someone know I was interested because I was too afraid to say something. So afraid of rejection. Often I look back at the things that once terrified me, and I think to myself why did it ever even scare me? I built it up in my head for nothing. This big beast that I thought I couldn’t slay. I have come to realise that I would much rather regret the things I do despite fear, than to back away and hide behind my fear. As touched upon before, life is short. We should be in control of our decisions, doing our best to make measured decisions without acting out of unchecked emotion, especially fear. Too often are we scared to try something new, whilst the life we currently lead is not what we want. Too often are we scared to make the change that we so desperately crave. Make the choice, don’t let fear do it for you.
Now my dear reader…
…I hope that my musings on what I have learned so far in my twenties is beneficial. Whilst anyone’s twenties is a time of confusion, growth, and uncertainty, so can many points in a person’s life. I don’t think you have to be in your twenties to learn how to approach life differently. So, I hope that regardless of your age that there is at least one lesson to be taken away from this post. We should always be reaching to grow as individuals. Regardless of how old you may be, this world has a lot to offer to those who keep open minded. It took me a while to learn this myself. Some people never learn to keep their minds open and believe that they are fine without any growth. So tell me my dear reader, what type of person do you want to be? One who seeks challenge and growth no matter their age versus a person stunted, who believes all that there is or should be, is all that they already know. Those are your options, so take your pick.
The Life Of Lazlo 
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